I hate my fucking life. :[

Friday I made the biggest mistake ever, I told the only girl I've ever loved to shut the hell up, jokingly, but it didnt come off that way, and now Im sitting here damn near in tears and the mental thoughts that are going through my head, between her acting distant, I think she wants to leave me and thats my biggest fear now, school I got that down, friends are set, but losing her would make me the biggest asshole in the world, Im not supposed to tell her to shut the hell up and I thought it be a joke and funny to us both, apparently not, Im scared she hates me, Im scared shes found another guy, Im just scared about our future as a whole. She is the only thing I want in my life girl wise, but I think I messed that up, of course theres other girls in the world, but when you find that special one giving up is the hardest thing ever to handle/do, I dont care about any other female, I just want my Sharita. I dont give a fuck who reads this, I dont care if I look like a punk ass bitch, I wont lose this girl, shes my wife to be, my soulmate all that, Im known to be cocky and shit, so most people like me would just rub this shit off like "whatever, its your lost"..NO! im not that guy when it comes to her, Ive been holding back tears all weekend, Ive been hiding my emotions all weekend, I've tried talking to her about it and she didnt have anything to say, I was terrified when I read that, Im scared, Im shaking as I type this now, nothing would be the same, I cant stand to see her with another dude, I wont see her with another dude, I wont lose her until the day I die, Im sitting here listening to 808s & Heartbreak, Kanyes album about losing the one you love and this shit is the only thing keeping me from breaking down, I bottle my emotions so not even my closest homeboy knows about this, only my closest homegirl and she explained to me what I see as a joke could be seen as a mean verbal attack by her, an attack I have express deeply I regret, I dont know how I could be so FUCKING stupid, time just moves to slow when you suffer from depression, its summer and yet Im feeling like winter, the coldest winter Ive ever endured. I just pray that god understands my situation and knows this is the only girl outside of my family I cant lose ever, please lord I dont ask for much but dont take my Sharita away. Please....;[